Our pregnancy journey.

Many of you have asked... so we figured it was about time we filled you all in on our journey lately!

Part 1:
As soon as Briella was born we were continually asked if we were done having children biologically. After going through such a traumatic delivery the first time with Gracelyn and then an even more dangerous situation and almost not surviving with Briella, both David and I were 100% done. Of course I was...I mean I had just survived a near death experience and here I was holding my precious newborn... even though everything was perfect I couldn't help but cry when I thought of this as my last pregnancy, my last delivery, my last hospital stay (yes I really love them) my last time to breastfeed. All of these things were still so desired. But all I had to do was myself in David's shoes and imagine what he and the rest of my friends and family had to go through and the desire was quickly replaced with gratefulness. When I told David and I didn't think we were done, he would just say then we will adopt. I should have been elated! I have wanted to adopt my whole life and when I found out that David heart was for biological children (as long as we could conceive) then I began to pray for God to change me heart or his to align with His plan and purpose for our life.
More and more he would talk about adoption and I began to want it less and less. By this time I figured we were just going to be a family of four forever! We were so content with our two girls I guess the desire for more kids just dwindled away. We considered a hysterectomy to rule out any unexpected pregnancies and decided in the end on having my tubes tied. Everything was set and then the morning of my surgery I changed my mind! I had no peace anymore and then fear set in. I couldn't do it! David supported my decision for at the time just because it was in fact so permanent... but we were still set on NOT growing our family. This was July of 2008. Then around the time Briella turned one... we started to want another kiddo. For about three years we would go back and forth he would want to adopt, I didn't want to and vice versa...  we were never on the same page... ever! So we decided that we were done. We gave away everything! Every last baby toy, girl clothes, maternity clothes, all our gear, all we kept was a highchair and pack n play for our nephews and of course our stroller could go from double to single so we just stored that away in case we needed it for babysitting or family. But honestly I had no sadness I was happy to gift everything to my friends that were expecting! Ready to move on!

 Since a baby was in no way on our radar we decided to finally meet with the specialist (as were were advised to do after the birth of B) We were encouraged to go talk with her and see what exactly went wrong landing me in ICU. We figured that our minds would be more clear listening to the Dr without the pull of "making it work" for another kiddo. Without the desire to try again we would be in the best place to really understand the dangers and risks. She was amazing! She answered all of our questions. Explained how the morphine and terbutaline had caused the "perfect storm" and how not having blood on hand to transfuse really was the downfall of the whole situation. You see, by the time they got the blood to the OR I had already lost so much that my body couldn't clot and therefore just continued to bleed out the transfused blood... pretty much leaving my body without any. My Dr waited too long to call in the high risk Dr because she was confidant that she could get it to stop. Well she made a poor call and almost cost me my life. The high risk Dr came in rolled my ututrus up like a sleeping bag and sewed the entire thing closed... one nurse said it looked like a Christmas ham (pretty crazy right?!) Because of the severe blood loss 10 units total I ended up in ICU. When I awoke my hands were tied down and a breathing tube was down my throat! Not a great way to wake up! Oh! and my baby and hubby were NOWHERE in sight! Panic mode!!! Anyway, back to the meeting. The Dr. agreed that my body would most likely pull the same stunt A THIRD time but they would be ready for it. They would be able to do a lot of preventative care and have two hish risk Dr's doing the surgery. She mentioned iron supplements to boost my blood and even the possibility of storing my own blood in case a transfusion was needed. (I have already had 15 total) this would be to make sure my body doesn't reject another transfusion. She seemed to confidant and encouraging. She assured us that she sees the "worst" all the time and she would be ahead of the game! David and I left that office with so much peace... that the words out of David's mouth were "Let's have four kids!" We talked about maybe trying for another in a year or so! We wanted a good 3 years spaced between Briella and our future child.

We waited and prayed. During this time we went through David's cancer scare and having another baby knowing that something could possibly take the life of my husband at any time just wasn't an option. Again, we agreed our girls were enough and we were complete.Since I had to mentally prepare myself to be a single mom if the worst case scenario happened...I was overjoyed hearing the amazing news that no other tumors were in his body and he wasn't going to need chemo or radiation or anything! We felt like we got a second chance and we were going to live life to the fullest and enjoy our girls and do the things we had always wanted to do! Living in the moment and not dwelling on our future.

 Part 2:
Then last July we went out to dinner and randomly at the same exact moment... a baby was laid on our hearts. I asked him what he thought about it and he was completely in agreement. We couldn't believe it! So many years of trying to get on the same page and here we were! Nervous, excited, shocked... did I mention nervous!? We liked what we had going with our girls. They were almost 3 and 5 and past all the baby/toddler days. Were we really ready to start again? We stopped protecting and knew that it would just happen when the time was right. After all, Gracelyn was a HUGE surprise 5 months into marriage and Briella was on the first try! Well a few months went by so we started to chart, and try for a baby. Another few months went by and then the fear set in. I had constantly prayed that if it wasn't meant to be and wasn't safe for me that God would remove the desire from my heart or not allow us to get pregnant. Here we were 6 months had gone by and I was devastated. Was God trying to tell us "No more" or was He simply asking us to wait? Each month went by and each month I cried and cried. Then I would move on and plan to try again next month. But it just wasn't happening. By this time it was so very clear that we really wanted another baby and now that it wasn't happening, things were starting to feel hopeless. David was a rock. So amazing. so understanding, so supportive.I am so grateful I had him to remind me to trust God and rest in His perfect timing.
Now we are coming up on about a year of trying. I never imagined we would be here. I have always been told "You are so young so you won't have any trouble" I watched friends go through this and couldn't imagine their sadness. Until now, even though I have two and I am extremely grateful for them I can't help but listen to my Mama heart which has so much more love to give!
 Last month we really started to open up and finally share our silent struggle with more people asking for prayer, for encouragement. It is so easy to hide and struggle through a trial quietly but we knew we would have many praying for us and if we got pregnant then we would have many rejoicing and praising God with us and if we lost the baby then we would many loving on us and supporting us and helping us through it. Our decision was all in God's timing because it came at the perfect time. It was the perfect time because two weeks ago we found out we had miscarried. I had crazy pregnancy symptoms, and knew in my heart I was pregnant... I couldn't explain it....but I was petrified of another negative test and another month of what felt like failure. I took a few different tests and all of them came back negative. I was pretty late and the symptoms continued so I was certain each time I would finally see a positive. The last test I took was a suuuuper faint line.... so I took my temp... elevated... David and I were so excited. We decided to wait another few days and take another because now we were certain we were and this way we would for sure have a positive test! I went out and bought a few tests on Thursday and couldn't wait until Saturday to take them with David. However, I never got to. That night we went to lifegroup and just as I was telling a friend I really thought I was pregnant... I felt a rush. I ran to the bathroom as sure enough I was bleeding. My heart sank and I texted David from the bathroom to come meet me. As soon as he came in I lost it. My heart was so so broken. Had I not been so sure I wouldn't have been this devastated but I knew i was pregnant... The next day I called the Dr. and they encouraged me to go to the ER. I didn't want to deal with that, I knew what this was.. the pain... the clots I knew I was miscarrying. So i just hung out on the couch for the weekend. Sure enough the Dr got me in last minute and confirmed with an exam and blood test it was a very early miscarriage. It all made so much sense. The tests not showing up, the symptoms... from the start the pregnancy never took... my pregnancy hormone levels were never where they should have been (which is why the tests didn't show dark) They called it a chemical pregnancy one where the egg never implants properly and therefore eventually terminates. The Dr was amazing and encouraged me that is was indeed a pregnancy (not just my body thinking it was) and that it is okay to grieve the loss. She assured me that I didn't do anything wrong and sometimes these things just happen.

So here we are moving on from a very hard past few weeks with a lot of tears and worries and feelings of hopelessness ...and ready to try again. Trusting that the Lord knows the perfect timing of our future pregnancy and has it all worked out perfectly in His mighty plan! Believing he will give us the desires of our hearts or He will change our hearts to  line up with His. My arms are aching for a sweet baby and sometimes I feel I will never have another one... but I am holding onto His promises and anticipating His goodness towards our family because we KNOW He loves us! We don't know if this is related to all the trauma my body went through and we don't know if I can conceive safely and carry to term let alone deliver safely but we don't feel God calling us to give up just yet. So we are going to continue on this journey though it may be hard, because we KNOW God has great things in store for us.

These are the truths I am holding onto! 

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

" Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with love by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

"The Lord is my STRENGTH and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for JOY and with my song I praise Him." Pslam 28:7

Thanks for reading. I know it was a long post.
With love and joy,
 Mandi