But we have this hope.

I don't even know where to start. My mind is a mess my heart is broken I still have hope...it is...dwindling at the moment... but it is still there. I know God has a plan... I trust that completely... but I still question "why"
This blog may be all over the place but it is my heart... written out on paper... so bear with me. It is long... but it is me... being raw and transparent. In the end, it is for me. So I can look back at this time of sadness and pain and see how God carried me through it all. I am anticipating the beautiful future filled with God's blessings and finding joy once again. "Even if the healing doesn't come"

Rewind a few weeks. When we found out we were expecting we said we were going to celebrate this baby! For now matter how long we had with it, we wouldn't worry or fear the worst but enjoy each day and plan and get excited and I am so SO glad we did. The night we got the positive pregnancy test God spoke to me. He laid a name on my heart. A name for this baby that I wouldn't have necessarily chosen but it was so clear that I almost felt like I was being disobedient if I didn't name her what I felt was supposed to be her name. It may sound completely crazy but I truly truly feel God laid the name Olivia Hope on my heart for a reason. Her name meaning the olive branch just like in Noah's day after the horrendous storm when the dove returned with the olive branch telling him there was land and the flood was over. After a hard HARD year of trying to conceive (our flood) here was the baby... a rainbow baby ( a baby after a miscarriage) that was letting us know the storms were over and peace has come and hope is here! It was so fitting and so perfect but I knew David would never agree. After all, he had vetoed probably 50+ names when naming our girls. Well, I told him and much to my surprise he loved it! It was crazy. I knew... I just knew... it had to be a girl and this was her name. Once theblood  test confirmed i smiled knowing He had already prepared me to know her.

  David has dreamed of a boy his whole life. His parents tried for a brother but he ended up with four sisters no brothers (His brother would have been Joshua Thomas), and then he had two daughters, no sons (we have 7 nephews)so his desire has grown immensely for a son. Before we were married he told me his first son would be Joshua Royal. This is one of those closed discussions, I have no say ... like at all. I have even tried to add a second middle name but no... nothing fits so I have known for 8 years our first son would be Josh. I said as long as I can call him "J" or "BabyJ" I would be fine with it. After all our kids would be G, B and J!! David insisted on calling the baby "Olishua" and B called it "Joshy" but Gracelyn was with me and felt too that it was Olivia Hope.

When you have been trying for so long... you almost jump in head first as soon as you find out you are pregnant. We were picking up baby items (since we have gotten rid of everything) and hanging up my maternity clothes. We were already starting to transition the play room into the nursery and thinking of the next few months as the holidays (my favorite time of year) would soon be approaching. Before we got pregnant I had decided that I would be content over the next few months with not being pregnant and just enjoy the holidays with my sweet family and appreciate NOT being sick or tired and then we would go see a hormone specialist after the New Year and really try to figure out why we have been struggling to conceive. Now that we were expecting I was almost laughing at the fact that I would probably be my sickest right around Thanksgiving... but at least I wouldn't have to hide my full belly ha! Every statement in our conversations were "When the baby comes." or "before she comes." and I got a baby pooch almost immediately. Which I was SO in love with! I have always shown right away and I have loved it! Even if I just look fat I had dreamed of this moment for a year and now I had a small round bump that I would talk to and pray over.

Now fast forward to last Sunday. I was about 9 weeks along  I woke up and started spotting. A little worried I texted my family and friends and most of them encouraged me with "implantation bleeding" or many of the too experienced it with their babies. I have never experienced it with my girls so this was new and scary to me. I tried to pull myself together to get to church but each worship song and each comment on the baby made me cry harder. I was a mess. I was giving this baby girl to the Lord daily in prayer knowing God was in control but I was still trying to be so so hopeful that nothing was really wrong and that God would protect her if He chose to. Friends prayed over me and baby and so many hugs and encouraging words were exchanged. I still had hope.

By the time I got home I was bleeding a fair amount and was in a bit of pain. Cramping and sharp spasms it was a long afternoon and night. We got the girls together and all laid our hands on baby girl and prayed. This was our chance to teach our girls that it is not easy to trust God all the time and it was okay to be sad but that we had to put our trust in God and not allow Satan to scare us. Their sweet prayers were beautiful. "God please hope baby not to die so we can hold her" and "Dear Jesus please help baby to be healthy and not die" You could tell from their words that their hearts too wanted this. As I opened my eyes my sweet Gracelyn was smiling at me with tears welling up in her eyes. She was rubbing my shoulder and nodding her head as if saying it is okay Mommy I know this is hard. Her faith in God was inspiring. I will never forget that precious moment.I stayed in bed all evening and prayed, begged, cried myself to sleep in the arms of my love, who too was praying.

I got in to the Dr. immediately Monday morning. The Dr. said things didn't look good but she wasn't going to confirm miscarriage until I had blood work done. I left scared but again feeling hopeful. I cried out to God on my drive to pick up the girls. Telling Him how much I LOVED this baby and that I trusted Him I did but that I was afraid to surrender this child that we had been waiting so long for. I
spent the day at my Mom's with my sisters and way too many sweet treats surrounded by my niece and nephews. It was just what I needed to cheer up. I stopped bleeding that night and was SO overjoyed! so much relief and praise that God was healing my body and saving my sweet baby's life. I got the results the next day. HCG was supposed to be in the hundreds or thousands and it was 29. I clarified with the Dr so 2900 or 29000 and she sadly said, "No honey just 29" I knew that was so so low. She also informed me that my progesterone was dangerously low as well. We had suspected that the reason why we weren't able to get pregnant was because of my hormone inconsistency so I went on a natural progesterone cream twice a day which worked because we got pregnant as soon as I started using it. However my levels were still super low that now we know it wasn't enough and I should have been on a stronger dose. I knew after those results that it was over. God was going to call our baby home any day and I was devastated. My body didn't have enough progesterone and it was beginning to shed the lining and start a menstrual cycle. There was nothing more heartbreaking than to hear that my body was ending this pregnancy in my head all I heard was you are killing you own baby. This baby could have been perfectly healthy and wonderful and here my body was hurting it. Whether this is the truth or not, that is how my Mommy heart felt.

Yes I had only been pregnant 9  weeks but we "knew" this baby for a year. Each month of prayers brought us closer and closer to this child and we had fallen in love long before the positive pregnancy test. This baby was already part of our family. We already prepared for it and dreamed of what she would look like. I was not ready... I don't know if I would ever be ready. But for some reason hearing that I would for sure miscarry this baby almost gave me a peace. I know it was from God because how could I have handled that news otherwise? I had peace knowing this was God's plan. I had peace knowing I wouldn't be fearful every day of this pregnancy. I had peace knowing the sweet girl had impacted so many and united us all through prayer. Peace knowing she had already touched so many lives and was so loved and so so prayed over. Peace that she would never feel the disappointment and pain and suffering of this world. Peace that when she opened her eyes she would see Jesus face to face. Peace that God knew how long her life here on earth would be before we even conceived her. Don't get me wrong I still cried... a lot. All day and all night but I knew that God loved this sweet baby more than I ever could and knowing she would be with him soon gave me enough peace to breathe.

October 19th we said a hard and very sad goodbye to our Rainbow baby...our precious answered prayer... our Olivia Hope and it was not easy. My final blood test revealed a number 8 bringing comfort that it was over and God had answered my prayers for an uncomplicated and short miscarriage. With hemorrhaging problems in my past deliveries we were prepared and ready to go to the hospital in case the situation got scary, but God had mercy on me and grace and it was never even close to a dangerous situation. This was just another beautiful reminder that God was in control and He had me in His hands protecting me. This also gave me hope that maybe my body COULD deliver our next (Lord willing He blesses us again) without any complications. I was so afraid He would be saying "No more" forever but instead I felt "Not now" and "Do you trust me?" and "My grace is sufficient for you"

I am still having a hard time as I pack up the baby stuff we ALL so anxiously got out and as I hear songs of trial or pain.
I still wonder why God chose to give us a baby and take it away in the same month... too soon... rather than letting me be content with not being pregnant for the remaining of the year and sparing us all the tears and heartache.
I still fear for the ability to not only get pregnant again but now for the ability to carry a baby and deliver.

For those of you who have been wondering why we have shared this experience with you I only have one reason. God uses everything for His plan. He works all things out for good.

Olivia Hope whether she was or wasn't to us made a huge impact on everyone around us. Our story has inspired and encouraged so many. I know just from her VERY VERY short life God used her in mighty ways! Although it has been a hard week we have this hope now, that among our suffering to conceive and wondering if my body could ever get pregnant... we know now I can. God has given us hope through this pregnancy with this child and reminded us He is in control. I have felt so close to God... I have prayed non stop, and I have grown so much in my walk with the Lord.

I now know why he laid the name Olivia Hope on my heart that night. It all makes so much sense now.

James 1:2-4
Consider it all joy, my brothers, when you endure various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.