My heavy heart!

This is going to be a long one people, but this is my hear!! I first have to start off with a picture of my pride and joy!!!

I really went back and forth about posting this. I didn't want people to pity me and I surely didn't want people to judge me. I am not writing this for attention and I hope and pray that whoever reads this will have a softened heart and accept the words I am about to write. I am writing this for me, so I can write out all the emotions that are going through me... please don't feel the need to comment, if you want to that is fine but that is not the reason why I am sharing this.

I don't know where to begin... I am scared! I am sad and I just can't shake this deep fear in my heart right now. I am hurting and I am beyond ashamed.My emotions are a roller coaster and I just want to get off of this wild ride and just accept the life the Lord has given to me. I am embarrassed to want something I can't have! I hope... oh I hope for this and I am afraid I won't be given it...

We have not told many people, so please don't feel left out... so much happened just in the busy last weeks from Christmas to New Years and traveling and returning and unpacking and taking down the Christmas decorations... we haven't seen many people and we haven't talk to many either. I am sorry if this is the first time you are hearing about this... I hope and pray you are not offended! So much of me didn't want to write this, but you want to know why? It was because I was afraid of people getting upset how sad is that? This is my way of dealing with it and I know those of you who love me and love our family and KNOW me will not be disappointed in my decision to share this but instead will pray for me... for our family... and will come surround me and lift up my breaking heart in prayer!

I feel guilty... so many people in the world are hurting much worse... I feel like my pain is so little compared to them, but this is my heart and I too have pain.

So this is my heart... raw... transparent... honest...

David and I have been praying for another baby for the last six months. I of course wanted to start trying again as soon as Gracelyn grew out of her newborn clothes. Now looking back, I am glad David wasn't quite on board :) I tried to remain patient but I wanted to be pregnant again so badly. So finally in the fall David and I both decided that it was the right time to start trying. We prayed almost everyday for God's provision and protection over this greatly anticipated pregnancy. Just a few weeks into December... I had that feeling... as a mother you just know :) I was so excited!! It was perfect timing we would keep it a secret until Christmas and then tell everyone. Well, my Dr. wouldn't see me until I was 9 weeks along and I knew I wasn't going to hit that mark before Christmas. We were bummed but we decided that we would be patient and wait till New Year's Eve... we would be able to share the new with my family while visiting in Utah and we would call his family at midnight and share the news with them!! I had spend so much time worrying about losing Gracelyn when I was first pregnant that I was determined to not even let a thought like that enter my mind. Now looking back I wish I would have spent more time thinking about that precious life inside. I prayed for my little poppyseed at the time and couldn't wait for New Years... we could finally let the cat out of the bag. We had kept our trying even a secret so everyone would be completely surprised!
The day came for the LONG 12 hour drive to Utah and we packed up everything along with a pregnancy test so we could take it again and have it to show the family! We were 4 hours away from arriving when I felt it.... I began to panic and worry! Thankfully we had stopped for dinner so I was able to excuse myself to the restroom. At first I thought okay... spotting is normal... it happens to plenty of people.... but then the pain came... and it was bad. It got worse as we pulled into our Aunt and Uncles and I ran to the bathroom immediately... my heart was beating.... I was shaking... and I was clotting and bleeding what looked like tissue... I was devastated on the inside but wouldn't show it on the outside.
I tried to be positive and not let it ruin our trip after all we had just arrived.
I was hurting on the inside....
I was crying on my pillow... I cried myself to sleep... My heart was so sad...

I am so ashamed that me that precious baby's mother didn't celebrate his or her life. I was selfish and wanted to wait and make it better... to make it more fun.... but it was perfect... it was amazing and I feel so guilty that people didn't get to be excited over the baby. I just wish I couldn't have shouted it from the mountain top and people could have been praying...maybe then ... maybe this would not have happened. Many people don't tell they are pregnant until the first ultra sound sometimes more... but not me! I want to share my joy the moment we find out! Then there will be more people praying for that life, and if something does happen and we lose that baby then the prayer is multiplied and I don't have to grieve on my own. That is my opinion, that is how I feel and there is nothing wrong if you disagree. That is how David and I have decided to celebrate life!

Then the fear sets in... maybe this is how it is going to be... maybe I won't be able to have another baby. After the traumatic delivery with Gracelyn... when my uterus gave out and stopped contracting.... maybe that was the day that would result in miscarriages. Maybe when they took my uterus out and laid it on my belly and massaged it and hit it to get it so start working again... maybe that did something...

This is all that has been going through my head and I had to share it. Thank you for listening ... thank you for reading all that my heart was feeling... thank you for loving our family and caring and thank you thank you for praying!!

Pray for peace, pray for patience, pray for joy! Pray for hope!!
Pray that I can sleep, pray that I can delight myself in the Lord...

I love you all and I thank you for not judging, I thank you for listening and for caring and mostly for praying!

Sincere love,
Mandi